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from The Human War

by Noah Cicero



In the local mental ward sat two humans.

Each lying on his bed.

David is fat and unattractive.

Jimmy is attractive and disturbed.

"Do I look ugly?" David asked.

"No, you look great." Jimmy said while reading a book.

"Because I think I look ugly."

"Why do you care so much?"

"Because I look ugly, do I look ugly?"

"Do you think you look ugly?" Jimmy said.

"I donít care what I think; I want to know what you think?"

"I think youíre a beautiful man."

"You do, really?"

"Yeah, youíre a great looking man."

"But do you think Iím ugly?" David said.

"You believe in God, donít you? Do you think he thinks youíre ugly?"

"I donít know, do you think God thinks Iím ugly?"

"I donít think he cares."

"Why wouldnít he care if Iím ugly or not?"

"Well, I would think he had more important things to dwell on."

"I donít know what he would dwell on besides my ugliness... Do you think Iím ugly?"

"No, I think you have a wonderful face. Itís very symmetrical."

"You think?" David said.

"Oh yeah, itís marvelous."

"My motherís dead."

"She is, how come?"

"Her heart stopped beating."

"That must have been tragic?" Jimmy said while still reading.

"It was, she was my best friend."

"Your mother is watching you from heaven, thatís what dead people do, they watch us, even in the shower. I wonít even masturbate because I think dead people are watching. They watch all the time, every moment of the day, thereís a dead person watching."

"My mother sees me lying here in the mental ward."

"Yeah, sheís watching right now. She even watches when you shit."

"I donít want my mother to know Iím here."

"She knows, and sheís crying a tear in heaven."

"Do you think Iím ugly? I donít want to be ugly."

David gets up and walks in front of Jimmyís bed.

He stands there retarded and drunk like.

"No one does, itís horrible to be ugly. Iíd rather be pretty than smart any day."

"You would?"

"Yes, of course. Why would anybody want to be smart, itís such a hassle, knowing and understanding things. Intelligence causes suffering, but being hot, that just gets you laid."

"I havenít been laid in three years." David said.

"Thatís sad, you should save up and go to a prostitute. Theyíre very convenient."

"I would never do that, I believe in God."

"Itís obvious God doesnít care about you, so I donít see why you wouldnít."

"But my mother would be watching."

"Youíre right, she would... Why donít you go to a bar and meet someone?"

"I get nervous around girls."

"I get horny around them."

"Do you think Iím ugly?"

"I donít trust my own thoughts, so Iím not going to answer that."

"Please answer?"

"No, I refuse. You answer it."

"I canít, Iím not you."

"No, youíre not. But I no longer trust my own thoughts, my thoughts donít make sense anymore, Iím always thinking something I donít want to be thinking, but I think I want to think. Then I think what Iím thinking is right and true, but then I think of something else that contradicts that, then I think some more, then I take pills and cry."

"Yeah, but do you think Iím ugly?"

"No, youíre beautiful, seriously, sit down, youíre making me nervous."

David goes back to his bed and lies down.

Jimmy keeps on reading.

"They put me on new pills," David said.

"Howís that working out?"

"Iím nervous."

"So am I, but then I touched myself while thinking of the Rocky Mountains."

"Sometimes I touch myself."

"Good, donít tell me about it."

"Iím nervous."

"So am I, itís unbearable. Iíll have to eat today, go to the bathroom, Iíll probably shit, and then Iíll have to wipe my ass. Itís such a burden to exist. Thereís a lot a person has to do to get through the day, and I have no interest in doing any of it. Why canít I be left alone, I donít want to wipe my ass, itís disgusting, donít you think itís grotesque."

"No, I enjoy it."

"Of course you would, youíre fucking sick."

"Iím not sick, the doctor says Iím normal, but do you think Iím ugly?"

"I like the doctor, he gives me pills. Some people say depression is all in your head, but Iím like where else would it be, in your foot... People are delightfully annoying... Do you like people? because I sure as hell donít."

David stands up on his bed and scratches his bulbous tummy.

"Iím fat; you think Iím fat?" David asked.

"No, youíre like Adonis." Jimmy replied.

"Iím like Adonis?"

"Yes, youíre a Greek god David."

Melissa walks into the room and sits down the edge of Jimmyís bed.

She is short and attractive.

"I got out of bed today," Melissa said.

"You did, thatís beautiful," Jimmy said.

"Yeah, Iím real proud of myself."

"You should never exalt yourself."

"The doctor says I should be proud."

"The doctor is a madman, he lies to small children."

"No he doesnít, heís an honest man," Melissa said.

"Donít believe him, he walks among the dogs."

"What dogs?" Melissa asked.

"The devil dogs of the black forest," Jimmy replied.

"I doubt the doctor ever goes near a forest, he lives in Youngstown."

"So does Jesus."

"Jesus doesnít live in Youngstown, he lives in heaven."

"No, Jesus is a crack addict named Tyrone that lives in the projects, he drives a Chevette instead of a donkey."

David is still standing on his bed.

Iím afraid." Melissa said.

"Of what?" Jimmy said.

"Of the day, the sun is out, thereís light, maybe itís time for cigarette break."

"Ten minutes till cigarette break. I canít wait, Iím so excited."

"Do you think weíll ever get out of here?"

"Donít know, donít care. I donít want to go back out there, Iíll have to get a job and function. In the mental ward, you donít have to function, itís great."

"I know, I like not functioning, itís peaceful," Jimmy said.

"Weíre wild humans, no one wants us out there."

"I had a job six months ago, I worked at Taco Bell."

"Howíd that go?"

"The boss said I was doing a bad job, so I threw a taco at her head."

"Did it hit him or her?"

"No, it missed."

"Thatís sad."

"Do you think Iím ugly Melissa?" David said.

"No, you look good David," Melissa said.

"Do I really?" David said.

"Yeah, do you want to have sex?" Melissa said.

"Can we?" David asked.

"Youíre retarded Melissa," Jimmy said.

"Why, David needs to have sex, and I need sex to validate my existence. I havenít had sex in over a month," Melissa said.

"Why do you have to be such a whore?" Jimmy said.

"Iím not a whore; Iím a good girl."

"There are no good people," Jimmy said.

My mother is a great person," Melissa said.

"Every time your mother comes in, she tells you youíre fat."

"I love my mother."

"Your mother is evil, evil I say, evil!"

Melissa jumps on top of Jimmy and begins punching him.

Jimmy throws her off.

"Take that back!" Melissa yelled.

"Fine your mother is not a crazy bitch; sheís a completely normal human being."

"Thank you."

"There are cameras everywhere; theyíre watching you right now. Do you feel them, caressing your skin?" Jimmy said.

"Youíre paranoid, there arenít any cameras, itís all in your head Jimmy. Youíre a putrid little monster."

"I love you so much my balls hurt."

"You love me, donít you? You want to have my babies, I know you do."

"I want to anally rape you."

"I knew it, you love me."

"I love our Lord and Savior. Iím married to Our Lady," Jimmy said.

"Youíre not married Jimmy, youíre a loser, a loser!"

"No, Iím a winner actually. I graduated from college with a three point eight average. While you didnít even go to college, you sat around being a drunken whore while I worked my ass off."

"I couldnít go to college, I was too embarrassed."

"I want to hold you, come here."

"No, youíre a buttfuck. You make me feel like a loser."

"You are a loser."

"Iím a good person."

"So is my asshole."

"I help the homeless."

"The homeless are drunk."

"Unlike you, I do nice things for people."

"You donít even listen when people talk!" Jimmy said.

"Iím listening to you right now."

"No youíre not, youíre waiting for your turn to talk."

"Youíre a fucking asshole, all day you sit in your room reading because you think youíre better than us."

"I like to read and I donít like talking to people."

"Youíre talking to me now," Melissa said.

"Because you came in here, Iím obligated."

"Do you want me to leave?"

"I want you to love me, I want to share a house with you, I want to grow old with you."

"No, you donít. You just want to have sex with me."

"Whatís your point, as long as youíre getting attention, you donít care."

"Shut up, why canít you be nice? Youíre always so mean and vulgar."

"Lick my nuts lollipop."

"Do you guys think Iím ugly?" David said.

"No, sit down; youíre making me nervous," Melissa said.

David lies back down.

"My mother is dead," David said.

"We know, youíve told us a million times. Get over it!" Melissa said.

"Sheís watching you David," Jimmy said.

"Shut up Jimmy, his mother is not watching him," Melissa said.

"I thought you believed in God, didnít you tell us all one day that he was coming back, and everyone but you were going to go to hell."

"He is coming back, and youíre going to hell when he does Jimmy."

"Jesus isnít coming back, and Iím not going to hell," Jimmy said.

"Oh yes, you are. People like you go to hell."

"What kind of person am I?"

"A mean one."

"Iím a goddamn saint compared to you."

"I think youíre possessed by devils, my pastor said that some people get possessed by devils and thatís why they become mentally ill."

"Iím not possessed by shit, youíre ridiculous."

"My pastor is right, everything he says is true," Melissa said.

"Youíre pastor is an idiot."

"Youíre a turd."

"Youíre a dirty monkey sinner."

"Iím not a monkey, God created me."

"God didnít create shit, even God knows that."

"God created the world in six days."

"God laid around and smoked weed for seven days."

"Youíre an evil monster Jimmy!"

"Iím pure of heart Melissa."

"Fuck you, Iím leaving!"

"Thank God!"

"Do you think Iím ugly?"

Jimmy, Melissa, David, and George are in the smoking room.

George is a man in his early thirties.

"I love smoking; it reminds me of the desert," Jimmy said.

"Youíve never been in the desert," Melissa said.

"I live in the desert, see that cactus," Jimmy said.

"What cactus?" George said while looking around.

"Do you guys think Iím ugly?" David said.

"Yes, David, youíre a monster," Jimmy said.

"Are you serious?" David asked.

"Heís kidding David, I find you very attractive," Melissa said.

"Quit leading him on!" Jimmy said.

"Shut up Jimmy, youíre a mule cock fucker!" Melissa said.

"I took a shower today," George said.

"How was that?" Jimmy said.

"I think I forgot to turn on the hot water," George said.

"Beautiful," Jimmy said.

"I want to go home, but my parents donít like me," Melissa said.

"Donít go home then, go to the desert," Jimmy said.

"Iím already in the desert," Melissa said.

"Walking alone," Jimmy said.

"Yes, and forever," Melissa said.

"You can stay at my house," George said.

"You live in a group home," Melissa said.

"I do?" George said.

"George, what happened to you?" Jimmy asked.

"My mother raped me repeatedly when I was little," George said.

"Thatís horrible, you should kill her," Jimmy said.

"I tried when I got older, then they put me in the mental ward," George said.

"Whereís my gun?" Melissa said.

"Why do you need a gun?" Jimmy said.

"So I could put George out of his misery. Itís obvious that heís doomed," Melissa said.

"Weíre all doomed," Jimmy said.

"Yes, we are," Melissa said.

"Do you think we will ever see natural sunlight again?" George said.

"We would have to be let out for that to happen," Jimmy said.

"Iím leaving today, I know it," Melissa said.

"But whereíll you go, youíve pissed off everyone youíve ever lived with," Jimmy said.

"I will walk to the desert."

"The desert is three thousand miles away."

"I have a good pair of shoes."

"My mother died, I saw her die, they pulled the plug, and there she lay, dead. My mother, my mother!" David said.

"Did your mother ever stick her finger in your asshole?" George asked.

"No," David said.

"Iím not dead," George said.

"No, youíre not, you should be proud."

"Iím proud to be alive," Melissa said.

"Youíre also a whore," Jimmy said.

"Iím not a whore," Melissa said.

"How many people have you had sex with?" Jimmy asked.

"Around forty," Melissa responded.

"How old are you?" Jimmy asked.

"Twenty-one," Melissa said.

"Youíre a whore," Jimmy said.

"Iím not; Iím a good girl."

"You are the death of God," Jimmy said.

"Shut up, Jimmy. At least Iíve had sex," Melissa said.

"Iíve had sex, just with people I loved," Jimmy said.

"Youíre incapable of love; you donít have the ability to create bonds with people," Melissa said.

"I will one day, I know I will," Jimmy said.

"I was in love once, she weighed over three hundred pounds and had the most beautiful smile in the world," George said.

"What happened?" Jimmy said.

"I shot at her, so she left," George said calmly.

"Why the hell would you shoot at someone you loved?" Jimmy said.

"She was always eating my food," George said.

"Good reason," Jimmy said.

"My father shot at me once," Melissa said.

"How was that?" Jimmy asked.

"I cried for a long time," Melissa said.

"Sometimes I cry when I think of you Melissa," Jimmy said.

"Why would you cry for me?" Melissa asked.

"I cry because I feel sorry for you, because I love you," Jimmy said.

"You love me?"

"Yes, I do. I find you charming," Jimmy said.

"Ah... Maybe someday Iíll give you a blowjob."

"I can only hope."

"I havenít had a blowjob in over three years... But I never liked them anyway," George said.

"I told the doctor I wanted to be free, so he gave me more medication," Jimmy said.

"Is it helping?" Melissa said.

"I donít want to be free anymore," Jimmy said.

"What do you want to be now?" Melissa asked.


"I was drunk when they brought me here. I drank a bottle of whisky, then I went to Dennyís, and picked up everybodyís cups in the smoking section and threw them at this picture on the wall of this one man walking alone in the desert. Then I got up on the counter and took off all my clothes. Then I think the cops took me here," Melissa said.

"What were thinking about when you did it?" Jimmy said.

"I was thinking about the time my dad threw me into the wall for spilling a cup of Kool-Aid once," Melissa said.

"Whyíd you take off your clothes?" Jimmy asked.

"I was going back to the primitive," Melissa said.

"One time I stayed out in the woods for three days, until my parents found me and sent me here," Jimmy said.

"One time when I saw my mother at the store and she said hi to me, I went home and cut off my pinky toe. Look I have no pinky toe," George said.

"Thatís fucking grotesque," Jimmy said.

"Youíre deranged!" Melissa said.

"Do you guys think Iím ugly?" David said.

"Shut up monkey!" Jimmy said.

"No, you look good David," Melissa said.

"What do you think George?" David said.

"What, where, who, why, when?" George said.

"Do you think Iím ugly?" David said.

"I donít think about you David," George said.

"What do you think about George?" Jimmy said.

"Right now Iím thinking about when I went to the marines, and I was doing push-ups. I had to do so many, it was unbearable. I was in Desert Storm, I killed people. It was horrifying. I think about those people a lot too... About their families, if they had kids, if theyíre in heaven or not. I think a lot about those men... I killed people," George said.

"Well, you had to do it... If you didnít do it, then Kuwait wouldnít be free," Jimmy said.

"What do I care about Kuwait, I didnít even know the country existed before they sent me there... And it sucked there too, it was completely impossible to find a prostitute there," George said.

"But you should be proud, you fought for America," Melissa said.

"I fought because they paid me," George said.

"I was little during Desert Storm; all I remember about it was those yellow ribbons everywhere. How come we arenít putting yellow ribbons for the soldiers who are going to fight in Iraq?" Jimmy said.

"Because no one believes in this war... I certainly donít, Iím a pacifist," Melissa said.

"Youíre also a whore," Jimmy said.

"A whore can be a pacifist," Melissa said.

"Only in America," Jimmy said.

"I killed people," George said.

"Do you think Iím ugly George?" David said.

"Shut up David, the only reason you say that is because you want attention. And no one is going to give it to you anymore. So go fuck yourself you ugly piece of shit," Jimmy said.

"Fuck you Jimmy!" David said. Then he got up and ran out of the room crying.

"Thank God that piece of shit is gone," Jimmy said.

"Youíre fucking mean Jimmy; Iíll never love you," Melissa said.

"Iím honest," Jimmy said.

"During high school I had sex with my best friend Joey Smith... He had a huge penis," George said.

"Iíve had sex with men too, thereís nothing wrong with that," Jimmy said.

"Iíve had sex with over ten girls. I love the softness of girls so much, but I love dick, and I canít leave it," Melissa said.

"Youíre absurd," Jimmy said.

"Shut up fag," Melissa said.

"How can I be a fag, and yet love you?"

"Because youíre deranged!"

"Iím not deranged; Iím a normal well-adjusted individual," Jimmy said.

"I can hear you masturbating in your room, it makes me horny!" Melissa said.

"I do it for you."

"I think I love you too."

"When we leave here, do you want to drive to Las Vegas and get married."

"Oh, that would be perfect."

"I got married once in Mexico to a prostitute. Her name was Leonore, she was a beautiful girl... She wanted to go to America, and work at a hotel as a maid. So we got married and came to America. We lived together for a while, and then she left after I pulled a knife on her, and said I would kill her if she ever ate all the ham again," George said.

"You have a way with women George," Jimmy said.

"Did you ever have a relationship when you didnít try to kill the girl?" Melissa said.

"Once I was going out with this girl Jesse, she had the hugest tits... She left because one time she got really drunk and passed out, and when she woke up her asshole hurt like hell," George said.

"Youíre fucked up George," Jimmy said.

"Iím a marine, semper fi," George said.

"I think Iím going to try to kill myself today," Melissa said.

"That sounds like a great idea. I tried yesterday with a shaving razor, but they caught me before I was done," Jimmy said.

"Iíve tried to kill myself eleven times, and I canít die. Itís starting to get frustrating," Melissa said.

"Iíll get my dad to bring his muzzleloader when he visits, youíll be dead for sure then."

"Yeah, I need a gun; a gun would do a great job."

"Guns are really good at killing people," Jimmy said.

"I killed people with a gun," George said.

"You shall not kill, thatís a commandment," Jimmy said.

"I know, Iím going to hell... When I die, I shall meet the devil," George said.

"When I die, I shall meet Jesus," Jimmy said.

"Jesus wouldnít go anywhere near you, you dirty fiend," Melissa said.

"Iím holy," Jimmy said.

"Youíre impure, and retarded," Melissa said.

"I have walked the length of the desert to get to my Christ," Jimmy said.

"I want to die and never wake up. No more reality, no more, no more," Melissa said.

"Weíre just skeletons... Underground we will lie, while the world is still going on. Then one-day civilization will be gone, then, there will be no one to remember the great and horrible things humans have done," Jimmy said.

"Quit being so depressing... My doctor says we have to think positive," Melissa said.

"Yes, letís be optimistic," Jimmy said.

"Someday we will get out, and we will be able to achieve our dreams, and be great citizens of America."

"Yes, one day, life will be beautiful... Life will be worth living, and we will live it."

"At one point in my life I was sitting in the desert shooting at people I didnít know, for a reason I didnít know... At another point in my life my own mother was fondling my penis... At another point in my life I was married to a Mexican prostitute... And currently at this point in my life, I donít even know what day it is," George said.

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